One More Thing

I realized that in my last post I left it a little incomplete, since I never addressed why berating myself isn't worthwhile.

I think that any attempts to beat ourselves up for our real failures will never work. The problem is that no amount of anger at myself will change me or transform the way I live. If only it were so easy! Perhaps small habits can be changed, but major weaknesses require major solutions which berating is ineffective to produce.

One of my weaknesses is keeping track of time. When I was born, I didn't have an internal "body clock"; I think I got a sundial instead, with all the numbers worn off. This has caused me big problems in life, because I am always so optimistic about how long it will take me to do something, and I am either late or I have to postpone what I planned because I ran out of time. This can lead to being late to meetings, not being punctual for responsibilities (or planes/trains/buses), and also disappointing people I love.

Thankfully I am gaining ground: but it's not because I berated myself. I am changing because as I get older I am being shaped by the Spirit of God to be more thoughtful of others, and more aware of the passage of time.

So I think that self-hatred is ironically not tough enough to make me change. Only God's love can convince me that it is possible to become someone different, yet still be me.

That's a good place to be.